Tag Archive | positive thinking

One Year After My Diagnosis

Hi Guys!

Here I am reporting to you one year after my breast cancer diagnosis. First of all, I want to express my deepest gratitude for still being here on this wonderful planet, on this wonderful journey that keeps getting more and more interesting as time passes by. So many emotional, soul touching experiences and changes.

Wow my hair is so long now! 

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In this one year I have become another person. When I look back at what this journey did to me, I can truly say that I don’t regret one single moment of this illness. If I wouldn’t have gotten it, I would still be in the same situation and doing the same shit I did for many years and this, my friends, was stressing out myself as well as my loved ones. Planning my life, worrying about what could go wrong and making everyone responsible when things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to be.

I got upset about things, that today seem so insignificant and so small. I sowed the seeds of self-hatred, dissatisfaction and self-destruction and then passed them on to others. Of course, the whole time not being aware of the damage I was doing to my body and soul.

Getting breast cancer was the only way to get the message thru to me. I guess. Because of this experience, I was given a new chance. A chance to see life thru a different set of eyes. Now I can stop and smell the daisies. I can enjoy the sun caressing my skin and the wind kissing my face. I can feel life pulsating thru my whole body and for this I am so grateful.

I can leave the dishes in the sink, an unmade bed, the crumbs on the floor, the water spots on the mirror and the messy pillow arrangement on the couch and guess what? Life still goes on and everyone still loves me exactly the way I am. Can you believe this? Well, sometimes I can’t because just one year ago, I thought that if I wasn’t perfect, then nobody would like me. What a ridiculous thought! But, yes, that is the way it was back then. And because I wasn’t perfect, someone had to pay for my unhappiness.

Right now I feel so blessed and although I don’t know, if I will be there in one year, what I know for sure, is that I will go on taking in every single moment of this precious life. I won’t waste one second of my time living in the past or in the future. I will live right now in this moment. I will live in the present and suck in all the beauty and all the magic that this wonderful life has to give. I will be good to myself and to others. I will share and enjoy the love and the patience and the understanding that came to me at the moment when I let go of my old self and embraced a new me.

Much love!

Daisy

P.S. Happy Birthday Dad. Wish you were here!

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Making your needs a priority

Foto am 30-01-2012 um 15.37 #3Are you an emotional garbage can? Then please go on reading.

Did you ever have a day, after a long week, where you just wanted to be alone, maybe catch up on your reading or just relax on your couch? And then it’s like for some unexplainable and mystical reason, the moment you are about to sit your tired butt on that soft and cuddly couch, that the phone rings. At first, you think “oh man, maybe I shouldn’t get it”, but then you pick up, because after all, you want to be there for your friends. So you do this and one hour later, after you’ve hung up, you look at the clock and think “damn”, but it’s ok, because you still have the rest of the day. So you throw yourself into the arms of that awaiting couch, once again open the book and feel a sense of joy because starting now, you are going to relax.

Two pages into your book, you take a sip of tea and then you get a text message from your other friend, whose having marriage problems. She’s not feeling good at all. You read it and think “oh, maybe she needs me” so you answer that text message very quickly and after the tenth message back and forth you realize, this is going to take some time. You call her up at her request because she needs some advise. After one hour and a half of hearing her pour her heart out, you tell her that everything is going to be alright and if she needs you, you will always be there for her. You hang up feeling kind of low, look at the clock and think “damn, I really need to chill”.

So once again, you open your book, look at the page you last saw and realize you’ve forgotten everything you’ve read until this point. So now you have to start from the beginning. You read everything very quickly again, remember what it was about and are again filled with joy that staring NOW you have time. Just as the book is getting interesting, the phone rings again……

So by now you are getting my point. In the worse case scenario, it’s already getting late and you’ve just spent your day, listening to other people’s problems, when all you wanted to do was take care of yourself for a change. In the end you feel empty and probably upset because you just spent all your positive energy on other people. It might be that they passed on some of their negative energy on to you and now your day is kind of ruined for that matter. The question I ask now is: Why do we let others treat us like garbage cans?

When I say this, I mean why do we allow others to load their negative crap out on us? Please, don’t get me wrong. We all want to be there for someone in need, but does this mean taking care of the emotional needs of other people before ours? Is it really a bad thing, to take care of your own emotional needs first? Is is really selfish to love yourself, do something only for yourself and make your happiness a priority? Think about it!

One thing I realized in the mist of my illness, was that if I don’t take care of myself first, then I won’t be able to be there for someone when they really need me. Also, that I’m not here to save the world. It is not my responsibility to try to have all the answers for all my friends and family. The moment I got this, was the moment everything took a change for the better. I know that sometimes it’s hard because many women are brought up with the mentality as mothers and wives, to cater to everyone. My thought is: No one should have to be a garbage can taking in all the pain, sorrow, anger and judgement that others let out of their systems. Hell, it’s no wonder that sometimes we whine up feeling sick after being inundated with the emotional load that others unknowingly throw out at us. I think they sometimes forget, that we too all have our own problems and worries to take care of.

So, the next time you feel like you want to escape from the stress of life and do something for yourself, then I would suggest screening your calls.  Just in case, grandma calls with some good news. Remember, that you can only be a great and true friend, when you take care of your needs first and make your happiness a priority.

Thanks for reading!

Daisy

Why is it so hard to love ourselves first?

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What do you say, feel and think when look in the mirror? Are these positive statements like, “I am truly wonderful just the way I am” or more like ” I look terrible today” or “I am so stupid”? Did you ever stop to think that there might be a big connection between loving yourself and how people see or even treat you? “But how can I love myself Daisy, I’m don’t like the way I look and I’m always making mistakes. But the worse part of it is that I’m always comparing myself to others”. Well, let me help you out a little there. Maybe that’s exactly the problem. I mean comparing yourself to everyone else. Or worse just concentrating on all the things you might not like. Honey, you are just not aware how truly wonderful you are. Everyone is. Thank God that everyone looks different and thinks different, that’s just the beauty of it all. It’s the versatility of colors and shapes and heritages that makes this planet so incredible. If everyone looked the same, boy would this be a really dull planet. Every single person and I do mean every single one of us is unique in his own way and deserves to be appreciated and loved. And it’s truly wonderful be able to love such a big variety of people.With this said, there is one important thing that you must understand. No one can truly love you and nothing will change, if you don’t learn to love yourself first.

It took me a long time to get this. I mean I’m almost 48 years old and I’ve been hearing these two words for almost 30 years. Love yourself. I too, couldn’t in my wildest dreams imagine that someday, I would be able to say these words to myself and really, really mean them. I hated myself for most of my life. I mean, the experiences I had, made me feel like I just wasn’t worthy of a happy and successful life. Some of it unconsciously. Some of it self-imposed. But today I have accomplished what many women are still finding hard to do. Love themselves.

Everybody has a story and everybody goes through bad times in their lives. Well let me tell you now, I’m the queen of drama. From growing up poor, never experiencing love from my mother, being sexually abused as a child, overeating, being bulimic, broken-hearted so many times to getting breast cancer. Sometimes I’m so surprised that I didn’t end up in the loony bin, because I have had many a reason to. But no, I am truly amazed as to how I managed to always, like the phoenix, arise from my own ashes. There were plenty of reasons to hate myself. I wasn’t white, I had curly hair, I wasn’t tall enough, I wasn’t skinny enough. And because I couldn’t look like my friends or some sized zero Hollywood scarlet, I just deprived myself of love. I wasn’t good enough. This is what I sad to myself for many, many years.

I thought that if I only accomplished to be all these things, life would then bring me happiness. Well guess what? WRONG!

How did I get out of it you want to know? Miraculously enough, I just decided one day to just stop! I got tired of looking in the mirror and saying nasty things to myself. I became really aware of the negative words that I was thinking and decided that if I didn’t accept myself exactly the way I was, nothing would ever change. So, I started saying positive things to myself everyday. At first it was hard, because I hated just about everything. But I started small. First it was my hands and my eyes, then my lips and my feet. Later my humor and my friendliness. I started writing down all the things that made me unique.

With time, I felt a bit better about myself. So much better that I started working out. I at that point I was thin, but I really didn’t have to look like a skeleton. I no longer wanted a body like Kate Moss, rather just the best body that I could achieve for my age. I. As time went on, I started to feel good. That’s when people started complementing me. But this time I didn’t say “Thank you” and mean “Yeah, yeah you’re just saying that”. I really began to accept and appreciated it from the bottom of my heart. I started to believe in myself. Then one day it really hit me and I realized just how special I truly am. I no longer felt the need to look like anybody else but myself, because I was pretty wonderful just like that. Finally, I could look in the mirror and say ” Woman, you are just damn fine” or “I truly love you” and meant it too!.

This didn’t happen overnight. It took years for me to come to this wonderful place where I am now. But after all these years, I can say that I’ve finally come home. I like who I am and I can look in the mirror and smile. I feel the need to take care of  me all the time. And it  all began with one simple step. The will to want to change. The will to live a happy life being me. The will to be loved exactly the way I am, because in the end, I am the most important person in my life.

Thanks for reading.

Daisy