If you read about me, then you know that after getting my diagnoses, I did not go into denial or fall into a big black hole. But hey, I truly understand what it feels like and why I could have done this. Being a holistic practitioner here in Germany, I had heard about the connection between breast cancer and holding on to negative emotions like bitterness and anger.
A friend of mine who is a homeopath even told me, that there is a connection between the illusion of waiting for your knight in shining armor to come and save you and the disappointment of finding out that he just doesn’t exist. The breast symbolizes nutrition and the need of taking care of yourself. Yes, I too had been disappointed and had gotten my heart broken in two failed marriages. I too, like so many mothers and wives, had put the needs of a man before mine. I didn’t take that much care of myself, because I’ve always waited for my partner to do this. (Yes, I know that this correlation may not fit all the women out there who’ve developed breast cancer. I am aware of all the different medical reasons why people develop it.)
I remember all the years I spent being unhappy, suffering and blaming my partner, because things did not turn out like I had planned them. After knowing what I know today, it really wasn’t that much of a surprise to me. One question though? Is there anyone out there, whose life is exactly how they planned it. Well then, I would say “Heck, you’re just pretty damn lucky”. But if you’re like most of us, often, life just takes off in a totally different direction then we expected.
Many years ago I lost a friend to cancer. I saw what she went through and I remember saying, if I ever get cancer, I’ll never do a chemotherapy session. Well after my operation, I was so unsure if I was doing the right thing, that I decided to try a Chemo. In the end, I only did two. It was the worse thing, I have ever done in my life. My body rebelled against it and I knew deep down in my heart, that this wasn’t my way. Don’t get me wrong. My mission here is not one of preaching against Chemo. I think everyone should make a decision based on his own believes. I just want to point out that it just wasn’t for me.
And now for the moment that changed my life. After recovering from the second Chemo, I went on a weekend trip to a yoga and meditation center, 200 kilometers away. I needed time to think in silence. I also took a book with me, that a dear friend of mine had given me about meditation. I read it from page to page and after that I started meditating everyday two times a day. What I have experienced since then is more than amazing. For the first time in my life, I can feel what it’s like to have inner peace. I started doing yoga and week for week, I started to develop this connection to my body, which I had only heard about.
And then I started listening to my inner voice. I knew that if I wanted to stay healthy I had to make some deep changes in the core of my life. Not on the outside but on the inside. Everyday I told myself that I AM HEALTHY. I visualized all the cells in my body as SMILIES 🙂 just bouncing around and being happy. Hugging the sick cells and giving them some love.
Then came the tough part, letting go of my past!