When my second marriage fell apart, I thought that I was living out a scene in the movie “Groundhog Day”. Or was it called a deja-vu? Anyway, it was definitely something that I had experienced before, although I had promised myself, that this would never happen to me again. Well, there you go! Don’t ever say “never again” because you just might end up on square one again. Why do these things happen? Well, today I can say “it doesn’t matter” or “it’s part of my learning experience”, but back then, I was devastated, full of pain and left asking myself one of the most asked questions of our time,”Why me?”
After all, this was the man of my dreams and exactly 5 years later, I was unhappy and angry. He didn’t get along very well with my son and in the end, I had to make a choice. My soul mate or my son. I choice my son and left the man, whom I had given 100% of my weeping heart to. It was the hardest thing I ever did. There wasn’t a day in the year after I left him, that I didn’t long for him or wish that we could fix everything up between us. I worked like a maniac to forget the pain. Then, after one year of heartache, I decided to move back to the USA. Yes, that was the solution to my problem or so I thought. To go back “home” after 16 years of living in Germany. To escape the pain and let the wounds heal far, far away. Well, guess what? It wasn’t!
It’s a curious thing…why do we think when we have problems or are heart-broken, that if we move to another place or heck another stratosphere, that everything will just go away? Is this, this “out of sight, out of mind” thing. Do we truly believe that if we hit the road from our problems, that everything will be alright then? Well, hell yeah! At least for the moment.
Well, guess what? And this is the lesson to be learned! You take your heart and the wounds and the problems, almost definitely, along with you!
I decided to write about this today, because a good friend of mine, just got his heart broken not too ago. He decided to take up a job in Chile. I told him honestly, that I thought that he was mad. Then, he asked me why? Here is my answer:
“Because one takes a big part of his broken heart with him, but still leaves a piece of it behind“.
Then he asked me, what exactly was it that I left behind?
I answered: “Everything I took for granted like true friends from the soul, my son, but most definitely a big part of whom I’ve become. The pain I took with me could only be resolved in the place I left behind, otherwise it would still be haunting me today“.
And this is true. It only took me 5 months in California, $25,000 and two transatlantic moves to realize it!
In the end, I had to come back, face my fears and carry my weeping heart through the whole mess I had left behind. It ended in divorce, then more pain when I found out that he found someone new. It was horrendous, but every day turned into another month and, although I couldn’t imagine it, life got better. My true friends helped me thru it all. My incredible strength and determination not to let anything break me, did eventually prevail. And then I got breast cancer.
I could have fallen, I could have given up. But no!..I chose once and for all to change. To once and for all let go of all the hurt and the anger of the past, that was like a film of toxic oil hovering over my cells, suffocating the health and joy out of my life. And I’m glad I did.
Today I choose to live in the presence and no longer look to the past, for it is over and done. I am truly blessed and happy to be alive.
Thanks for reading!